Don't make out with my wife yet
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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