Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
