They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
