just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
