Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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