Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
