Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
