If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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