You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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