I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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