I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
