i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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