Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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