I'm eating all of the evidence.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
