I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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