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It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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