mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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