You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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