If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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