u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
