i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
