that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
