Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
