Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
