we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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