I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
