I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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