i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
