You're a womanizer and a bitch.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
