if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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