ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
