I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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