I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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