Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
