Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sober January is a disaster.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I can't turn off my feet"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
