I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
