I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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