I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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