I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
3pm strippers are depressing
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
