He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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