If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
