You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
