he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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