My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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