Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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