we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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