I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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