it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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