"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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