Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
