she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
